two weeks come Sunday

And some other scary anniversaries have come along the way. The 11th. The 15th.

He provoked me out of hiding, and I let him. I let him know how much power he has. There is no room for pride when you're playing for keeps. I've reached a calmer, adult place. A place where I'm ready to call and say let's talk, explain the difference between your email and your blog. Explain why you wrote the blog, and I'll explain what I did.

We're testing, texting cautiously. I still swear I won't be the first to suggest seeing each other, and yet I want to so much. Partly because I want to feel safe again, safe from my self. And partly because when I see him, I may find out he no longer makes me feel safe and I'm really free from him after all.

Heartbroken

Again. Forsaken, lost, alone. Losing the idea of love hurts almost as much as losing him.

Wretched

Cause I kicked him out of my life. Oh, it's not forever, at least I don't think so, but I have to pretend it is for this to have any effect at all. On me, on him. All I want to do is be safe in his arms. So I barely slept last night, not surprising. What I've eaten today: a banana. A carton of light yogurt. Some Cheese Nips, though they made me feel more like hurling, not less. A couple Altoids. I'm really craving some Nerds candy right now, but not about to go out just to get some. I might have some Smarties that would satisfy the need for a sour taste. And I ended up doing that. Two rolls of Smarties for dinner, and a few macadamia nuts.
I'm just trying to stay awake until it's a reasonable bedtime, otherwise it won't help my sleep patterns. B came over to chat. His mom is supposed to get released on Wednesday; they just found out his mom's dog has kidney failure, and they can't get kosher meals delivered to his mom. He said the meals are manageable, as they are -- but losing the dog may kill her. No wonder he woke up thinking he was having a heart attack. Then he told me that Dork is an idiot, he'd be glad to send him spam from work, and that if I were Jewish, he'd have been knocking on my door the second Ex left. Which made me feel good -- at least somebody wants me.