Whatever

two weeks come Sunday

2007-07-20T18:43:00.001-07:00

And some other scary anniversaries have come along the way. The 11th. The 15th.

He provoked me out of hiding, and I let him. I let him know how much power he has. There is no room for pride when you're playing for keeps. I've reached a calmer, adult place. A place where I'm ready to call and say let's talk, explain the difference between your email and your blog. Explain why you wrote the blog, and I'll explain what I did.

We're testing, texting cautiously. I still swear I won't be the first to suggest seeing each other, and yet I want to so much. Partly because I want to feel safe again, safe from my self. And partly because when I see him, I may find out he no longer makes me feel safe and I'm really free from him after all.

Heartbroken

2007-07-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

Again. Forsaken, lost, alone. Losing the idea of love hurts almost as much as losing him.

Wretched

2007-07-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

Cause I kicked him out of my life. Oh, it's not forever, at least I don't think so, but I have to pretend it is for this to have any effect at all. On me, on him. All I want to do is be safe in his arms. So I barely slept last night, not surprising. What I've eaten today: a banana. A carton of light yogurt. Some Cheese Nips, though they made me feel more like hurling, not less. A couple Altoids. I'm really craving some Nerds candy right now, but not about to go out just to get some. I might have some Smarties that would satisfy the need for a sour taste. And I ended up doing that. Two rolls of Smarties for dinner, and a few macadamia nuts.
I'm just trying to stay awake until it's a reasonable bedtime, otherwise it won't help my sleep patterns. B came over to chat. His mom is supposed to get released on Wednesday; they just found out his mom's dog has kidney failure, and they can't get kosher meals delivered to his mom. He said the meals are manageable, as they are -- but losing the dog may kill her. No wonder he woke up thinking he was having a heart attack. Then he told me that Dork is an idiot, he'd be glad to send him spam from work, and that if I were Jewish, he'd have been knocking on my door the second Ex left. Which made me feel good -- at least somebody wants me.